Love.. Again

I’ve just walked out of an alley
Of rage and tears
Of despair and fears
I took my time and now
I want to love.. again

Hoped too much too soon
Spoke too much too quick
It wasn’t meant to be
It probably wasn’t me
But now, I just want to love.. again

For I’ll face the world
I give you my every word
With each passing day
Take whatever it may
I’ll give it my all
Just break this wall
Just let me love.. again

  • Priyanka Kavish.
Advertisements

Of Waiting and Watching

So, I was walking home from work today and I saw a little Sai Baba shrine that read “Shraddha” and “Saburi”. Translated, these words mean “faith” and “patience”.

These words have been ringing in my ears for a very long time now. There are quotes and adages galore that tell us the importance of faith and patience in our lives.

“Good things come to those who wait”.

“Faith can move mountains”.

These are just two of the many examples out there that tell us to hold on when all lights seem to dim.

Today, my faith is dwindling and my patience is running out. Whom do I go to to replenish this? Myself, God.. whom? I’ve been and I still somewhere am an eternal optimist, but that hope is being beaten with a mallet every second of the day.

When will these travails end? To fight or not to fight, to give up or not to give up, to seek or not to seek? The time has come where I’ve reached stagnation. I drift through life like a tumbling stone, crumbling at the edges. And, I don’t see the ground beneath me any soon.

How then am i supposed to hold on to faith? How then am I supposed to believe that someday I will have the power without guilt to say “NO” and to hope for a better life?

I’ve tapped into the deepest reserves I had and they’re now dry. A little affirmation from the universe that a clock out there exists, one that is going to show me the time of my life, would do good.

  • Priyanka Kavish

Say Something!

Dear God,

We need to talk. Rather, you need to listen. Also, i’m sure you’re listening but you just tend to shut me out as if I’m ranting to you about how my nail got chipped or something. I mean seriously, what are you doing up there?

As far as I can remember, I have never wanted anything more in my life than to find that one man who could love me like a man loves a woman. And as far as I can remember, I have successfully Good Luck Chuck’d my way out of men’s lives by sheer magic, because only magic can justify what happened between me and them.

Have I done something wrong? If yes, tell me what and I’ll try to correct it. I’m sure I’ve done something wrong because I’m definitely no goddess. But is it so bad that happiness is evading me so? Wherever I look, I see people who have found their companions for life either in school or college, at work, at cafes, and wherever else they could possibly be found. But when I looked in these places, it was catastrophic.

Now, I’m sure you think I’m not counting my blessings. Believe me, I am. But I’m losing hope in myself and you. I’m losing patience. I don’t think I can go on anymore without the assurance that I won’t end up alone. Right now, the chances are bleak and I don’t know to what I should hold on as a crutch.

You and I both know that the only practical escape I have is marriage. So please don’t screw that up. Life is way too screwed up as it is and I don’t need to tell you why.

You tell me what I’m supposed to do. Wait, give up, try where I can… What? Give me one sign. Please.

-Priyanka

Asleep.

She stepped into the lift and I noticed the gun she was holding by her side… the earth shook beneath my feet, I wanted to run away but I was stuck to the ground. The door of the lift closed. It was just me and her. I couldn’t stop staring at her. She looked forlorn with an unnatural anger surrounding her. Her eyes were bloodshot and she seemed exhausted from something.

I literally was stuck to my side of the lift. Time had stopped. To me it seemed that the lift stopped moving. I was trembling with fear praying for my life. Then, she glanced at me. She looked at me with the most nauseating look I had ever seen. She never said anything, just stood there. The lift had really stopped moving.

I was scared out of my wits. I started banging the door of the lift, hoping someone could rescue me, but in vain. I pressed the emergency button, but nothing seemed to be working. I just wanted to eject myself out of that place as soon as possible. But, I was stuck. Just then, I saw her sit down. She kept the gun aside and sat with the her knees close to her chest. I was still banging the door. Nobody was there to rescue me. I don’t think she wanted to be rescued. She looked unreal to me at the time. It was like staring at a spirit.

She asked me to sit down and not panic. This, of course I could not do. She did not harm me but I was losing my mind being in her vicinity. She was smelling of horror and pain.

After a while, She closed her eyes and rested her head on the wall of the lift. I was standing opposite her, breathing hard. My heart was in my mouth. I thought, this was the chance. I had to grab that gun and shoot her. Not kill her, but make her unconscious. I had to do it. I did not want to die.

I gathered all the courage I had and slowly went near her to get her gun. She was still asleep. I had a probability of doing this. I slowly reached for the gun. While I was picking up the gun, I had a good look at her face. She looked like she had been crying. The kohl of her eyes was smudged. Her clothes were stained. Her hands and legs were dirty. She looked like she had been running for quite some time.

Without further ado, I picked up the gun and pointed it at her. She awoke suddenly. Almost crying. I didn’t want to do this, but I needed to be safe. She did not even move to fight me back. neither was she surprised. She just stared and smiled.

I shot her.

Newspaper Reports from 25/5/2050 reported that  a girl killed herself in a lift. No one knows how she got the gun.

Abrupt Feelings

So, here I am again writing about life and well, life. Too much is happening and yet nothing is happening. The universe just keeps spinning around me and me inside the universe. It really isn’t a good feeling.

So much has changed in the past year. Some things have gotten worse and some are getting better. I always tread on with the hope that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. You know there are those days where even picking a finger seems like climbing the Everest. Those days where you just don’t want to talk to anybody. You basically just want everybody to shut the F up and not call out to you or even think of you. Mostly these people include family but it can also stretch to your boss or loved ones if you have those.

There are these days when you compromise on your static existence and try to walk on a straight road. But when those stairs come, and you know you have to climb them to get to where you have to, that time is the most painful time of your life. And believe me, there are more than a million of those painful moments which you have to encounter. That time where you have to withdraw motivation from the deepest part of your being. I don’t know why it is so difficult, but i know that it is very, very difficult. Those days where you wanna fight and your mind is screaming and kicking but your body lies frigid in a barren field of emptiness.

Such times may have been constant in our life or may come and go, but they are always there. It’s just so hard to get by.

All i hope is for us to sail through. All of us faced with these daily battles of our existence. Of living. Of surviving. I hope we find a reason to carry on. To smile.

An Open Letter to my To-Be-Husband

Dear To-Be,

Let’s get to the point.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you’re looking for a hot, smart, working woman, let me tell you that I am not one. But, what I am is a very special woman. A woman that I have become after long years and experiences. A woman that is almost perfect for you. If you marry me now, that will be the end of it. I will not hound you, or nag you. But if you don’t, I will bewitch you and I will marry you.

Ok now, I will try and make this sound less as a threat and more as an honest revelation. I wish you read this letter, whoever you are, because I will be tongue tied when I meet you.

I am a simple, open book. An open book with some pages written in invisible ink. I am not even a near perfect sample of how women are supposed to be in this day and age. For God’s sake, I can’t even sit properly with my legs crossed. Even after loads of practice, I always slip into the Amitabh Bachchan posture.

Coming back to what I am like, let me first tell you what I am not. I’m not a 9-5 person. Not an early riser. Not efficient with housework. Not into fitness. Not into politics. Not into the hullaballoo of daily life.

What I am is a doubter and an optimist, a dreamer, ‘needy’ is my middle name, low maintenance, a fun person, a lazy bone (my whole being), a free bird.

I have my doubts about marriage like any other person would. I have concerns about you loving me, your family loving me, even my own family loving me for who I am. There are these parameters that I would never fit into and I want you to know that. I will have my doubts trusting you with my past, present and future even though I’ll love you with my whole heart.

Explaining fears to you would be something I wouldn’t be able to do. There would be things that I could never be able to discuss with you. You would be expected to gauge what I want, why I want it and when I want it.

I am proud that I can love with a whole heart and that is what I promise I will give you. I may not be your partner in everything, but rest assured that I will be there for you at the end of each day. I, mostly, may never be able to solve your problems, but I vow that I will listen to each and every one of them.

I don’t want to yack anymore, so in closing I would like to say that you’re going to be dealing with a divergent person and you would need to adapt as and when required.

P.S.: Love and only love alone will get us through each other.

To Have or Have-Not

I live in a house with 24 hours running water,
Electricity that lights our home all day,
A good neighborhood, a good education,
A life of stability and security all the way.
Nothing to complain, no hand to mouth existence,
Yet i feel empty inside,
A void encompasses me with each passing day,
And all i have seems nothing from a distance.

Then i look at the other side,
They don’t have everything,
But every face is lit up stretched to its ears,
With a smile or such kind of thing.
The have-not’s have a way about them,
They never sulk for long,
They breathe the cool morning air, I always see them on song,
I wish i could learn a lesson or two,
About smiling in sadness and on thanks,
For then I will be a little of a have-not, someone who truly understands.

– Priyanka Kavish

Go Away

Thud Thud Thud… there’es a knock on my door every second,
I can’t talk but all I want to say is go away and never come back.

If i let you in, you will be just heard,
Just heard, not listened to.

Please go away.

I can’t hear you, can’t understand you,
Right now, I don’t even want to.

Go away, fade into the darkness,
Wait, take these voices with you too.

Please go away.

No, don’t try and talk through the door, I said I don’t want to hear you.
And whatever you say doesn’t matter to me, whoever you are, because, I don’t feel a thing.

I’m not me today, a present that will forever last.
So, stop knocking, I’ve shut the door to my past.

Please go away.

An Interim Absolution.

I just want to stand under the shower,
Under a deluge of promise and a flood of faith,
Where the water will wash me clean,
Let it drench me from head to toe,
I’ll sit there until my skin is wrinkly,
Till it absolves my sins,
As I scrub off my lies and guilt,
And sterilize my scars with the emollient of hope,
Erase the hurt with suds of belief,
For I want to be immaculate,
I don’t want to go back to black.

– Priyanka.

 

 

 

 

TRAPPED

Four corners and a room,
Proof of an impending doom,
Silence and gloom,
Emptiness waiting to consume.

Walls so hard,
They’ll never break down,
Will get stronger day by day,
As i tend with my tears rundown.

Outside I’m stoic,
Not a single sigh from me,
Inside there’s millions of voices,
Engaging in a screaming spree.

Every night I wish would be the last,
But every day I awake,
To see no hope,
To no relief,
I lay facing the wall of darkness,
And to the smite of unbelief.

– Priyanka